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Why Do We Miss People Who Were Bad for Us?
How attachment, memory, nostalgia, and emotional bonds can keep people connected long after a relationship ends
Welcome to The Smarter Brain, a curation of thought-provoking ideas and actionable reads to help you build better habits and become more productive.
Happy reading - See you on Wednesday!
Cheers,
The Smarter Brain Team
Estimated Reading Time: 2 mins
3 Ideas for Better Habits
The Love We Accept
Chbosky is an American novelist and filmmaker.
“We accept the love we think we deserve.”
Source: The Perks of Being a Wallflower
Loved and Lost
Alfred, Lord Tennyson was a major Victorian poet and Britain's Poet Laureate.
“Tis better to have loved and lost / Than never to have loved at all.”
Source: In Memoriam A.H.H.
Love Can Heal
Nicholas Sparks is an American novelist known for romantic fiction exploring love, separation, grief, memory, and relationships.
“The emotion that can break your heart is sometimes the very one that heals it.”
Source: At First Sight
The Confidence Workbook
The Confidence Workbook is your practical guide back to the self-belief that’s always been inside you. Through insightful prompts and simple rituals, you’ll learn to dismantle habit-driven doubt and embrace genuine courage. Don’t let misplaced modesty hold you back - order now and start your journey.
Productivity Tools and Resources
3 Reasons We Miss Lovers We Would Never Want Back
Published September 5, 2026, this article directly addresses your topic. It explains how someone can remain emotionally desirable in memory while still being incompatible as a long-term partner. It discusses idealizing the past, separating attraction from compatibility, and the difference between longing and wanting a reunion.
It explores why people can get pulled back toward an ex through nostalgia and positive memories, even when the relationship had unhealthy patterns or unresolved conflicts. Read more here.
Finding Closure
Closure - This app is specifically designed around breakup recovery. It includes private journaling, guided reflections, no-contact support, emotional-wellness exercises, and a space to write things you wish you could have said.
Healing After Loss
After is a private diary and AI companion designed for people processing different forms of loss, including breakups, friendship endings, bereavement, and changes in identity. It includes mood check-ins, journaling, and no-contact support.
What We're Reading
Gottman Love Notes - A research-based newsletter from The Gottman Institute covering relationships, connection, communication, and relationship skills.
The Modern Relationship Edit Newsletter - A newsletter exploring modern relationships, communication, conflict, emotional distance, attachment, dating, and what happens before relationships break down.
Brain Food
Today I Learned: A 2025 study of nearly 300 people who had been in committed relationships lasting at least two years found that emotional bonds to former partners can persist long after a breakup. The researchers described an average emotional “half-life” of roughly four years, although there was substantial individual variation. (Source)
Science: A large body of research describes nostalgia as a social emotion. Studies have found that nostalgic memories can increase feelings of social connectedness, self-continuity, optimism, and relationship-oriented goals. (Source)
Have a productive rest of your week,
The Smarter Brain Team
Resource Spotlight
Why We Miss People Who Weren't Good for Us
Monthly dispatches rooted in relationship psychology, not romantic nostalgia-this one's about the confusing experience of missing someone you know wasn't good for you. Explore why the end of a relationship doesn't automatically erase attachment, and why you may be grieving more than the person themselves: the memories, the familiarity, the potential, and the future you once imagined.
Why We Miss People Who Hurt Us, Neurochemistry, and Intermittent Reinforcement
Monthly dispatches rooted in psychology and neuroscience, not self-blame-this one's about why walking away from a painful relationship doesn't always make the craving disappear. Explore how intermittent reinforcement, cognitive dissonance, attachment, and reward mechanisms can make unpredictable affection particularly difficult to let go of.
Missing an Ex, Grief, and Knowing When Not to Go Back
Monthly dispatches rooted in emotional honesty, not relationship perfection-this one's about admitting something we're often ashamed to say: I still miss them. Explore what happens when memories of an ex return even after you've recognized that the relationship hurt you and that leaving was the right decision.
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